At Long Last! The Candwich.

Are you fed up with the thirty seconds it takes to slap some PB&J on two slices of your favorite bread? Has preparing your child's lunch become an exhausting feat? Well, hold on to your ass because I have some good news for you.

It only takes half a second to pop the top on one of these cans of "pocket sandwiches" from Mark One Foods Corp. Finally.

The shelf-stable sammies will be sold in 3 ounce pop-top cans with candy surprises inside. 

SURPRISES, dammit! 

(That's awesome.)

 Stock up on peanut butter and various jams (strawberry and grape), BBQ Chicken, Pizza Pockets, and rumored french toast varieties of Candwiches because, let's face it...you'll just be so cross with yourself if you could have prevented a lunchtime faux pas.

Shave You, I Will.

I have shaving issues. In my 28 years, I have not executed a successful shave. The blood loss and scars have (finally) motivated me to find quality shaving products that, if I play my cards right, might help more than hinder. My Father, to this day, still gets the giggles when he says, "Goin' up to shave? I'll dial nine-one..." - So it's - more or less - a twisted running gag in my parents' household.

I've tried the Nairs and Veets of the world. My skin hates them. I look like I have been attacked by a gaggle of blood-thirsty chiggers when I try to use that crap. Electric shavers are, in my opinion, a complete waste of time. I'm better off letting my dog chew the hair off my legs.

I researched the internetz for tips and tricks that I might have missed in my life. One blog noted that shaving in the direction of the hair growth (as opposed to against it, I assume) is optimal, and "some hair might come out just from the force!"

No sh*t? That "force" does everything!

Where's fricken Obi-Wan when you need him?

Then this magical pink bottle of all-natural Eos Shave Cream found its way into my goodie bag at a trade show last year. Per usual, I collected my shaving must-haves: a fresh razor (I like the men's Mach 3 or Schick Quattro), a first aid kit and my cell phone - with 9 and 1 pre-dialed on the keypad - and this Eos shave cream.

I was pleasantly surprised by this product. It left my legs as smooth as buttah...all with very minimal blood loss. I'm sold.

They come in Island Blue, Pomegranate Raspberry and Vanilla Bliss varieties.

WTF?! Quickie #3

Yesssss. Finally! For years now I've longed for a cat food-scented soap. Who doesn't want to be a Crazy Cat Lady? I mean, come on!

I feel like, if I were to use this soap, my boyfriend might finally propose. Bacon is that powerful.

I See Jesus' Eye!

I remember drawing on my fingernails with Mr. Sketch scented markers when I was but a wee little girl. Thankfully I never got ink poisoning. (Hell - it was 20 years ago - it totally could have happened.) You know, back when nothing scared anyone, our food was full of high fructose corn syrup, MSG and artificial everything (deeelish!), the walls were filled with asbestos, and the writing utensils with lead - and you could walk about town unescorted without fear of getting jumped by some crazy religious freak, rapist or baked good-slinging, non-electricity-using* chick. (In their defense, they do make a pretty mean strawberry rhubarb pie.)**

Ah, but I'm babbling.

Rimmel London has launched a range of fruity-scented Nail Polish so third graders the world over can dump the markers and safely tint and scent their nails. The black a$$hole-scented variety is conspicuously absent, thank Jebus!

SNNNIIIIIFFF...What ARRRE you!?

It is offered in four varieties: (I'm a bit confused as to why the light pink and green bottles are pictured, since no trade or company literature anywhere mentions either - hmm.) Strawberry Fizz, Lemon Drop, Cranberry Zest and Apricot Punch.

And on top of everything else, they're long-lasting. NomNomNom.

*I fear retaliation. Obviously "non-electricity-using" is code for "I pussed out."  Not that I should really be concerned about them, or anyone, reading this blog.

** They also steal the baseball diamond from small boys...and use it (without any remorse) for hours on end.

America: F*ck Yeah!

Well - It's about time! Don't get me wrong, I love♥love French fries. But, hey! I'm an American. And stealing awesome ideas from other countries is what we do best!

(Though I think it's only fair to mention that the "French" in French Fries is supposedly referred to the way the potatoes are cut - and there is a feud between France and Belgium as to which country actually invented the delicious food.)
 ♫ The more you know ♪

Either way, we done stoled it and made it our own. Take that, world! (Oh, USA...you have me all verklempt!)

All-natural, baked (not fried - sooo, why aren't they called American Bakes?) and free from trans fats and hydrogenated oils, these "fries" contain only 120 calories per serving. And they're certified OU Kosher.

Glenny's offers the fries in Sea Salt and

Ketchup varieties.

Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

I'm the Dude Playing the Dude Disguised as Another Dude

How many times have you thought to yourself, "Man, I really wish Elvis had lived long enough to market an energy drink!"? Ponder no more, sister. Elvis' All Shook Up is here to help give you the gyration you've been longing for.

For the Betty Boop fan there's Boop-Oop-A-Doop Juice. I'm torn by this because, ever since Drawn Together debuted, I can't not associate Betty Boop with Toot Braunstein. (But I guess that's the point.) Having said that, the correlation leaves me with no desire to put this can of juice anywhere near my mouth. But you g'head.

Spaz Juice, for an energetic freak out that will bother everyone, is something I could get into. Pink can? Good. Catchy description? Good. Cute bunny? Meh.

The MegaMan E-Tank can confuses me. Is it sleek and sophisticated 8-bit? Hmm. Regardless, this energy drink is like +15 HP! (OR that little energy capsule. Whatever, geek. I'm not getting into it.)

I was going to try to stir shiz up with the Star Trek/Star Wars fans, but something inside me told me it was better if I didn't (Can you say nerd riot?!) So, despite my urge to announce this as a Star Wars drink, I won't. The Romulan Ale (which, sources tell me, is manufactured by the Vulcans' counterpart, the Romulans) is pretty much like a can of Spock's man juice to followers of all 65 series...I would think.

And finally, we reach Booty Sweat, the (apparently not!) fictional drink made popular by Alpa Chino in Tropic Thunder (p.s. I ♥ this movie). I don't even care that it's called Booty Sweat. I want me somma that. And a Bust-A-Nut bar, too. (please)

Drink it all in, friends. And may the force be with you. (And also with you.)

Smoking: It's Not Just for Adults Anymore! (Again)

Candy Cigarettes! Where have you beeeeeen?!

What an ingenious product, right? Get those kids interested in smoking just as soon as they can enjoy chewing on bubble gum, that's what I say!

To the old folks like me: relive the nostalgia of skipping to the general store with a shiny quarter in hand, gazing upon the colorful array of penny candies and returning home with a small, brown paper bag full of sugary goodness. (And, where we came from, cigarettes for Mom - purchased with a simple handwritten permission slip. Ahh, those were the days.)

Strawberry-flavored Just Like Dad! Bubble Gum cigarettes come 12 to a pack and retail for about $35 less per pack than real smokey treats.

Definitely not a typo.

Or, if strawberry isn't your thang, Archie McPhee offers citrus-flavored Pirate Cigarettes, campfire coffee-flavored (what!) Hobo Cigarettes and cinnamon-flavored El Diablo Cigarillos.

Bring back a little taste of yesteryear.

And don't forget to share with the kids!

Wasabi Powers Activate! Form of ... a Gum Ball!

I know people that like wasabi. I personally think it tastes like hot rubbing alcohol. Maybe for Christmas (*tsk tsk* this blog is so not PC) my wasabi-loving friends will receive these gum balls from me this year (instead of the usual nothing).

Perhaps I'll substitute Wasabi for the flavor-of-the-moment Bacon variety. I'm really surprised (and excited!) to find so many different bacon-inspired products.

Wanna know why? Cuz bacon friggen rocks, that's why.

EggNog and Absinthe varieties are also available.