PC Load Letter? What the F*ck Does That Mean?!

I believe you have my stapler.

Go get your own damn Red Swingline. Cult followers of Office Space in your office will be uber-jealous of your sleek, elegant Milton Waddams-approved paper fastening machine!

Although, the stapler alone may not be enough to truly advertise your undying love for Lumbergh & Co.

Go balls-to-the-walls with your very own Office Space Kit! File TPS Reports and smugly drink your coffee with a sexy Initech mug.

And if you buy the kit, I personally guarantee that you won't have to go ahead and come in on Saturday.

Mmmmkay?

OH, BAWLS

Fans of caffeine and root beer, have I found a treat for you!

The (awesomely-named) Bawls line of guarana-infused soda now features G33K B33R (that would be "Geek Beer" to the non-geek-speaking readers) - a highly caffeinated root beer!

The range also comes in regular Bawls Guarana, a refreshing taste often compared to a citrus creme soda; Sugar-Free Exxtra, packing 50% more caffeine than the original; and Cherry, which is (obviously) cherry-flavored. And guess what? They're gluten-free and Kosher, too.

Not only do these sodas boast what is probably the coolest brand name ever (which, according to company literature is because of the "bounce" they provide - but I like to think it's because these drinks give you balls!), but they are packaged pretty awesomely as well. They come in colored "bumped-glass" bottles and 16 ounce color-changing cans.

Perfect for the tactile, caffeine-loving G33K.

WTF?! Quickie #2

MMM...There's nothing like the scent of fresh Cat Butt with your morning coffee and commute. The package says, "Hang the butt where it stinks." (Can I hang it in the litter box...or...??)

Real cats are overrated. Try new Cat-In-A-Can Inflatable Feline. No litter boxes, canned food, scratched-up furniture or piss-covered walls! Couple this with the Cat Butt air freshener and - VOILA! (Viiiiola!) - instant household pet. MeeeYow!

"Sometimes things are so cute, you just wanna choke out a kitten." - The Fantastical DJ 5-12

Don't Eat the Big White Mint

Are you tired of your boring, run-of-the-mill mint-flavored mints?

I will help you out of that funk, my friend. Come gaze upon this weird assortment of WTF! products I have placed before you. 

Accoutrements, LLC has created a line of interestingly-flavored mint candies designed to pair with meals (or each other), to be eaten alone - and even ward off vampires. (Thank Jebus, those little buttholes are everywhere.) 

Cheesy Nacho is described as a burst of flavor reminiscent of processed cheese and spices. (♫ and these are a few of my favorite things ♪)

Pop a few Ranch flavored mints in your mouth while eating hot wings or toss them on a salad for "an extra boost of crunchy flavor!"

Dill Pickle mints? I'm down.

The Curry variety features

Kali, a Hindu Goddess that represents death, destruction, time and change (just like curry!).

The Onion Ring flavor is claimed to be delicious on its own but is "even better when combined with the Ranch mints."

Vampire-Repelling Garlic Mints might save your mortal soul, but good luck finding anyone that wants to hang out with your stinky ass.

Cotton Candy (finally, a recognizable candy flavor!) mints seem tame when compared to the culinary abortions above. (I kid, I kid.)

But, wait. That's not all! The rest of assortment includes BACON (who doesn't f*cking L♥VE bacon!?), Fruitcake, Coconut, Corn Dog (yeah, that's right), Mochaccino, Cupcake, Absinthe, Fish Flavored Chum (I'm hoping this isn't one of their more popular flavors) and Salt Lick.

For just a few dollas you get about 100 mints in a collectible metal tin. And if you don't think that's awesome, I hate you.

You've been served, Altoids. Eat iiiiit.

I Wonder if this is the Kind of Popcorn T.O. Meant?

Yes, those three plays Turrayle had with the Bills probably were popcorn-worthy...if you chewed faster than you blunked.

But, like many things, this isn't about T.O. (wonder if he got the memo?) It isn't even about footbawwwwluh! It's about a salty treat that I hold dear in the very cockles of my heart:

Popcorn. And pretty popcorn, at that.

Everyone's heard of boring old caramel corn, cheddar corn and popcorn oh-so-seductively drizzled with chocolate by some beautiful man with shiny muscles (they would have you believe). But Funfetti Popcorn? Oh, hell yes. (It's still caramel corn. Just much, much cooler.)

Jody's offers flavors like Cheesy Chili, Cheesy Ranch, Cinnamon Toast, Firehouse Cinnamon and Fusion (an interesting combination of caramel corn and white cheddar - hmm?!).

And they've recently been certified Kosher. So, achla! :D

♥♥ Go Bills ♥♥

MANDLES!

Not to be confused with mandals, of course. New MenScents Candles, "When a manly scent is needed."

Personally, I love it. Playing on a dude's insecurities by insisting that he can't enjoy the smell of his Ol' Lady's super-girly-fruity-flowery romantically-colored chickdle (femdle? meh.) is just the marketing ploy this world needs.

First of all, candles aren't manly. Argue it any way you want, but they create an ambiance that chicks dig. While most men (well, at least the company that I keep) enjoy a warm, fruity scent now and then, you'd be hard-pressed to find a lone grease jockey excitedly lifting the lids of each candle in the local Lead-Mart store just to take in its girly goodness.

The environmentally-friendly, USA made (woohoo!) lead-free mandle range includes scents like:

• Cuppa Joe (coffee, obviously)
• Draft Style (root beer)
• Down Time (bourbon & cola)
• Guy's Night (pizza)
• New Glove (leather)
• Play Ball (cut grass)
• Tall Tales (campfire) ... really?
  
• After Five (beer)
• Gentlemen's Pleasure (pipe)
• AHH (cola)

They are sold in manly metal tins that, according to the manufacturer, can be used after candle exhaustion to hold any number of manly things: change, nuts, bolts, cigars/cigarettes, "anything that a MAN can think of" (so says the literature).

I suggest washing that cute (that's right) metal tin out (make sure you get the big 8 ounce size, you manly man) and neatly storing your precious little tenders in there cuz dude...

...a beer-scented candle is still a candle.

Suck It!

Remember those crappy, flat lollies with the weird "safety" stick that tasted like Gramma's purse? They're a thing of the past, son.

Enter Caffeinated Suckas. Each pop is supposedly loaded with 70 milligrams of caffeine...comparable to an energy drink. The beautiful part is that you don't have to wait those three long minutes for your jolt to kick in: the caffeine from the sucker is absorbed directly into your bloodstream thru your cheeks. (MmmmHmmm.)

They come in flavors like Wicked Watermelon,
 Bustin' Berry Blast, Wired Wild Cherry and Slammin' StrawBanana that simultaneously tickle your taste buds and send jitters through your eye sockets.

What more can a gal ask for?

Unless, of course, you prefer your caffeinated lollies to taste more like coffee...

Tada!
Java Pops! Not only do these delicious candies send a rush of artificial energy through your body, but you can stir your coffee with its fabulous swizzle stick. Double score!

French Vanilla, Chocolate Almond, Irish Creme, Cappuccino and Chocolate Raspberry varieties comprise the line.

Go on and get'choo some.